so.

so.

hi.

it's been a long winter guys. if you're anything like me, you spent this winter eating takeout and potatoes and whimpering because it was -45 with wind chill and your wine kept freezing in the garage. i gotta confess that i just didn't feel like cooking a whole lot. i made a few pot roasts and beef stews and ate a lot of potatoes and was just cold and moody a lot of the time so nope, no cooking.

this is not cold and moody food. this is happy, tasty, almost summery food. this is what you make when
you're a cabin fevered midwesterner who hasn't felt sunlight on her pasty skin in months and when fifty five degrees might as well be seventy. my roommate and i made steak tacos using a cheap cut of cube steak but you could definitely use this on a nicer cut of meat - i'm just cheap. flank steak would be great for this and i'm testing it with chicken. if you beat me to it, let me know how it is on chicken. it's a bright, citrusy marinade with a bit of smokey heat to it and you should definitely make it.


marinade:

2 halved and sliced jalepenos - remove the seeds and for the love of god, wash your hands afterwards.
juice of three limes
1 cup olive oil
1/2 teaspoon chili powder
5 crushed garlic cloves
1 teaspoon salt

i make marinades the same way every time because i am lazy and this means fewer dishes to wash. get a large ziploc bag and place your protein of choice inside. add the ingredients to the bag, close it, and shake it all up to mix. pop it in the fridge for anywhere from one hour to twenty four hours depending on your schedule and how quickly you want food. fair warning: the longer you let it sit in the fridge, the more your fridge will reek of garlic and lime.

but if you're me, that's a good thing.

i used this marinade for steak tacos and i can't tell you how easy this is. i used a pound of cube steak and quickly seared it on a crazy hot grill for about four minutes per side. feel free to cook it longer if you prefer well done - i like my meat to have a little fight in it still. let rest for five minutes before slicing into thin strips or chopping up and serve on tortillas with guacamole, cilantro, and cheese.

i mean, i'd marry myself after eating this so you know it's good.

chicken pot pie

as a suffering graduate student, i must confess that my biggest weakness for frozen dinners are marie callender's chicken pot pies. those delicious little devils have gotten me through many a "crap, it's nine thirty and i haven't eaten yet" realization. the big ones? i can take one of those down in no time at all before returning to my cave to write label copy and mutter darkly about ADA guidelines for text length keeping me down.

they are also demonically fattening and i only recently realized the serving size is for two.

whoopsie.

i mean, i'd still eat this entire pie by myself. just hunker down in front of house of cards with my giant pie and eat my feelings. as i have roommates, this did not happen. they also ate pie. i still watched house of cards and ate my feelings, only with less pie. (sidenote: please tell me someone else watches house of cards because i am so angry at frank underwood right now and i need someone to share this anger with.) this is that pie.

4 tbsp butter
1 finely diced onion
4 diced celery stalks
3 diced carrots
1 lb shredded cooked chicken
1/4 cup flour
1/4 cup milk
3 cups chicken broth
salt and pepper
1/2 teaspoon thyme
1 pie crust

cook onions, carrots, and celery in butter on medium-low heat until softened. add flour and stir to coat the veg. this is making a roux. we're fancy now.

add broth and milk and let it cook and thicken. add seasonings and chicken and let it hang out, stirring frequently for about ten minutes. it will thicken, i assure you, but if it starts to thicken too much, add a splash of chicken broth to thin it a bit.

if you're a human being who has your shit together, pour the filling into a baking dish. if you are me and do not have your shit together, pour the filling into whatever baking vessel is available. i used maurice, my trusty le creuset dish that i think is technically a large-ish au gratin pan.

apply the pie dough. confession time: i am utterly inept at pie crust. every time i've ever attempted pie crust, something has always gone badly. i think it's because i'm terrible at regulating temperatures and then butter starts oozing and it's just terribly unpleasant for everyone involved. mainly me. i have nightmares about rolling piecrust sometimes and wake up screaming. this is a long way of saying that i used a frozen pie crust but if you can make your own pie crust i A) envy you and wish to know your secrets and B) go for it.

cut some cute little vents in the top of the crust, slap some egg wash on there, and throw that pie in the oven at 375 degrees for about twenty five minutes to half an hour, keeping an eye on it because if you're like me,
you will wind up burning at least one corner of the pie.

now for the most important step. you ready? this is big.

LET IT COOL FOR AT LEAST TEN MINUTES THE INSIDES ARE HOTTER THAN THE CITY OF POMPEII. YOU WILL LITERALLY BURN YOUR MOUTH OFF.

after this, slice it up, dish it up, and take it to the face.

chicken soup

sorry i haven't posted in ages i'm so sorry you look beautiful/handsome today and i love that color on you it's such a great color.

no, i'm not dead. i just started a new job last week that has involved six and eight hour shifts during the week and very little time to squeeze in for cooking that isn't frozen. on the plus side, i've rejuvenated my love affair

with stouffer's frozen mac and cheese. on the negative, i miss cooking a lot and miss food that is hot. with this new job has come the harsh and cruel arrival of cold weather. somewhere around the middle of my seven hour shift in forty degree weather on monday night, i felt the call of soup. like, right that second. alas, work.

this is that soup and you know what? it takes forty minutes tops including prep and cooking which isn't too shabby for weeknight soup. i don't have to tell you how good hot soup is when it's cold out and you can't feel your fingers - you surely know.

1 lb boneless, skinless chicken breasts

6 cups chicken stock

1 cup diced carrots

1 diced onion

2 cloves garlic

1 teaspoon herbes de provence

1 cup chopped spinach

1 cup grated parmesan

1 tbsp vegetable oil

salt and pepper

firstly, heat the vegetable oil until it's just about smoking in a dutch oven or large pot. while that's happening, salt and pepper the chicken breasts. brown on each side in the hot oil and set aside. continue until all of the chicken is browned and you've some nice bits. leave the chicken breasts whole - you need them whole. shh just trust me.

add onions, garlic, and carrots to the pan (add a drizzle of olive oil if needed to keep things moving along and, you know, not burning). cook, tossing frequently until soft and brown. pour in the chicken stock and add chicken breasts to the stock. add the seasonings (i did a few healthy grinds of salt and pepper in addition to the herbes de provence), stir, and put the lid on.

let the mixture simmer for about fifteen minutes. while this is happening, chop the spinach and grate the cheese. you could totally use preshredded cheese in this case but for the love of god, don't use the stuff in the green can. you want it to get nice and melty, not dissolve. 

once the chicken is cooked (165 or bust), remove it from the liquid and get to shredding it. you could also chop it if you'd like but shredded chicken is my preferred method. at this point, you could also add a handful of small noodles to the broth and turn it into chicken noodle soup and i wouldn't judge you at all. return the shredded chicken to the broth and add the cheese and spinach. 

serve with crusty bread and you're in soup city.

stuffed shells + shade at fifty shades

fun fact: despite the amount of italian food i make, there is not a drop of italian blood in me. i suppose the nearest i come geographically is czech and even then...yeah, not so much italian. it does explain my love of a good meat/potato combination but not even slightly the love of italian food. i suppose it's that i just love the ingredients so much. i love that you can take tomatoes, cheese, and pasta and have infinite possibilities. i also really love reeking of garlic. tonight, we're making stuffed shells. it's somehow become a signature of mine - i recently had to text the entire recipe to my sister - and it is one of the few vegetarian dishes in my repertoire. vegans are shit out of luck though - the theme here is cheese and lots of it. 

Half box jumbo shells
1 portion of red sauce (here or use a jar of your favorite brand)
1 fifteen ounce container of ricotta cheese.
2 tbsp italian seasoning + more to taste
3 cups mozzarella cheese (the more finely grated the better and mine's an Italian blend)

first up, whip the ever loving hell out of the ricotta. i'd make a fifty shades of grey book but i read the first one and was offended as an aficionado of well written smut. like come on. whatever happened to jackie collins? go read jackie collins. she's a cool lady. you'll get proper plots, good smut, and a book that didn't originate as twilight fanfiction. 

oh yeah, this is a cooking blog. SO ANYWAY, once you have whipped your ricotta into a fluffy, and flustered state, work in the mozzarella and seasonings and taste it. this filling can go super bland super quick, despite the salt of the seasoning (i blame you ricotta, you delicious devil). have salt standing by and add to taste. cover it with saran wrap and pop in the fridge to let it settle.

(note: that paragraph was more erotic than fifty shades of grey.)

fun tip about the shells: DO NOT COOK THEM ALL THE WAY.  five to seven minutes in violently boiling water should about do it. remove and let cool until you can handle them with your bare fingers without destroying your fingertips (again, not that i speak from personal experience or anything.) 

when the shells are cooled, gather your spoon, your shells, and your bowl of cheese and get to filling. about a tablespoon per shell should do it but i'll be honest - it's usually more. who likes a skinny stuffed shell? no one, that's who.

now. assembly. stay with me. pour about half of your sauce on the bottom of your baking dish to give the shells something to rest on. at the shells, slit up. spoon sauce in between shells - it'll keep the edges from drying out also more sauce is always welcome. sprinkle with more shredded cheese and cover with aluminum foil. 

bake at 350 for half an hour covered and 15 minutes uncovered. let them stand for a good five to ten minutes before digging in - the fillings is going to be hot enough to peel off the roof of your mouth.

now this is good eating. it's decadent - like come on, look at that shell up top. it's positively oozing. it's simple but impressive and i am all about simple but impressive food. it's one of those meals you keep going back for more even though you're full because it's just so damn good. and how could it not be? cheese, red sauce, and pasta. the winning team.

meet sam. he was our super special guest.
yes that shirt has cats and tacos on it.

chicago chicken + a taste of home

this was my very favorite dinner when i was a kid. hell, it's still my very favorite dinner as a twenty three year old. i vividly remember always requesting it for my birthday dinner growing up and when i'm coming home and my mother asks me what i want for dinner, i ask for this.

how you open a can when you are left handed

we call it chicago chicken and lord knows why. i grew up in northern illinois and i've eaten my fair share of chicken in chicago and this has never been on the menu. my mother got it as a recipe from a friend in the late eighties and it's been a family staple ever since. the cranberries and western dressing create a lovely tang and the onion soup mix mellows it all out. it's blessedly unfancy and delicious and, for me, tastes like home.

4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts.
1 can whole cranberries (it has to be whole cranberries - i promise it's worth digging for.)
1 package onion soup mix
1 bottle western dressing

this is a marvelously simple recipe, one of those one bowl, dump and stir wonders. preheat the oven to 350. combine dressing, cranberry sauce, and soup mix into a bowl. pour over chicken breasts and bake for one hour. boom. done. serve with mashed potatoes (pour the sauce over the potatoes and chicken. remember, you trust me.) and something fresh and green and you've got prime comfort food.

and probably me coming over for dinner.

shredded chicken tacos

i think i've been in love with tacos all my life and never realized it.

as a kid, i was extremely passionate about the chicken soft tacos at taco bell. just the chicken and cheese and may god help anyone if i found a tomato. tomatoes took me right out of the taco bell experience of cheap and questionable (but delicious) "mexican" food. no more tacos for me, just the cinnatwists thank you. as we all know, cinnatwists are the finest of mexican delicacies.

oh cinnatwists, my love. it has been too long.


but i mean, look at that taco. there are vegetables. and fancy cheese. and guacamole. my taco horizons have surely expanded but my love for a good chicken soft taco never left me. somewhere under than mound of vegetables and cheese is a mound of hot, seasoned shredded chicken that will knock you on your ass. it's not terribly spicy - despite the addition of hot sauce - but it's got a kick to it. a delicious kick. so make these tacos, okay? i promise you'll like them.

1 pound bonless, skinless chicken breast (or you can use one pound bone-in chicken breasts your life. your tacos.)
1 pouch of el paso roasted tomato sauce
2 tbsp taco seasonings (i make my own, hence the measurements. a packet of taco seasoning should do it but come on. make your own. it's not hard.)
1/2 tbsp cumin
2 crushed cloves garlic
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tbsp vegetable oil
hot sauce (optional but you really should)
taco fixins

fun fact i nearly burned off all of my arm hair taking this picture. the things i do for art.

pound your chicken breasts flat using either a meat mallet, the bottom of a wine bottle, or your fists. remember, this is an excellent outlet for your rage at your inability to find a job, the patriarchy, or your leasing company who won't let you keep your garbage can outside of the garage like a sensible human being. i mean. at the patriarchy.

seasonings and friends.

heat a tablespoon of vegetable oil and give the chicken breasts a quick sear. it cuts down on cooking time and i feel like it seals in chicken-y flavor.

yes that's the professional culinary term.

once the chicken breasts are seared, add tomato sauce and seasonings. add enough water to cover the chicken and simmer on medium-high for twenty minutes to half an hour or whenever the chicken is fully cooked.

remove chicken from stove and let cool. don’t dump out the liquid! that’s where the flavor is! (note: i was a moron and hungry and tried to shred the chicken when it was fresh from the boiling liquid WITH MY FINGERS DO NOT FOLLOW MY EXAMPLE.) give it a minute to cool down and then shred with two forks. if you have giant chunks that won't shred, don't be afraid to go at it with a knife.

pop the shredded chicken back into the liquid and crank up the heat. both literally and figuratively because

like you can use another hot sauce but if you aren't using sriracha i'm going to judge you.

you’re going to add a squirt of hot sauce. you can skip this step if you are a pantywaist and don’t like heat but come on. everyone’s doing it.

bring to a violent boil, tossing meat frequently.  i wish i could give you better timing but look, you’ll know when it’s ready. it’s ready when the taste test is nice and scrummy. that’s when it’s ready.

remove chicken from the liquid. naw, don't worry about saving the liquid. these are juicy enough without them. add a squirt of lime juice, toss, sprinkle  and serve with tasty taco fixins.


note: these are incredibly messy so i do not suggest eating them around someone you want to impress. eat them around someone who loves you enough to love you even when you have cilantro in your teeth and chicken juice all over your hands.

now this is good eating. blows chicken soft tacos from taco bell out of the water.

now if i only had some cinnatwists. 

citrus tequila chicken + thoughts on youth and twerking

if you're like me, the end of summer calls for alcohol and lots of it. anything to help forget that school is starting and you're a graduate student and you're surrounded by rowdy youths with their twerking and their bright eyes and bushy tails. tequila helps. tequila helps you forget that you wasted valuable brain cells learning what the hell twerking was.

i still don't understand what twerking is. perhaps that's a sign that i'm old.

perhaps another sign that i'm old is that i only use tequila in marinades now. i became obsessed with the quest for the perfect tequila lime chicken this summer and lo, this is the result. citrus and tequila are a match made in heaven and if you can't drink it, you might as well grill with it. it tastes like summer. the flavors are bright and everyone knows that charred grill marks make everything better. leftovers are amenable to being chopped and rolled up in tortillas with guacamole or - if you're more virtuous than i - tossed with a salad.


juice of one lime
juice of one orange
zest of one lime
1/4 cup of olive oil
1/4 cup of silver tequila
dash pepper
dash salt
1 pound boneless, skinless chicken breasts

my favorite part of making chicken is pounding the chicken out. it really reduces your cooking time and if you're like me, when you're hungry you're hungry NOW. it's also an excellent way to vent your frustration with life, the patriarchy, and the aforementioned youths. so pound your chicken flat with a mallet or similar blunt instrument.

mix up the marinade in a bowl and dump it over the chicken. close the bag and give it a good shake and massage. pop it in the fridge for at least an hour.

y'all are adults. you know how to grill. grill chicken to a 165 so you can eat it and not die of food poisoning.

how i grill. with a book and a cocktail.

sprinkle with roughly chopped cilantro and serve with salads. feel very virtuous because you're eating salad and grilled chicken. ruin it by drinking an entire bottle of wine with dinner. oops~

red sauce

there's a restaurant in my hometown that i dream about sometimes. no, seriously. i dream about garlic and italian house dressing and red sauce and wake up gnawing on my pillow. that red sauce haunts my dreams. i often proclaim my desire to drink it straight and so help me, i would. i would drink it warm and out of a coffee cup, i would drink it mixed with vodka in a martini glass. i would have it injected into my veins if i could. just get it in me.

this is not that red sauce. no, this is the product of me spending years trying to recreate that red sauce. lord knows i've tried. i've gone from aborted attempts at blending crushed tomatoes with italian seasoning and crossing my fingers to a nasty attempt at making sauce in a porcelain pan that led to rather crunchy results to this final product - a red sauce i feel comfortable with labeling as my red sauce. it's a recipe i've honed through trial and error, a recipe i'm working on all the time and it's a recipe i'm proud of. so hello, welcome, and let's cook.

the usual suspects.

olive oil
1 white onion, finely diced
5 cloves of garlic, minced

2 28 oz. cans crushed tomatoes
1 tablespoon italian seasoning + more to taste
1 tablespoon grape jelly + more to taste
salt and pepper

so first you're going to want to heat up a dollop of olive oil in a large, heavy pot over low heat. while the oil is heating, dice your onions and crush your garlic. slowly brown the onions and garlic in the oil until everything is soft and brown and your kitchen smells absolutely amazing.

(sidenote: is there anything better than this smell? no. no there is not.)

add the crushed tomatoes to the same pot and give everything a nice stir so everything can meet. add the seasonings, and stir.

now it's time for the secret ingredient. now, trust me. please trust me.

no! don't run! i told you to trust me!

in my bag-of-cats mind, grape jelly is like adding wine and sugar to your sauce but in one convenient spoonful. grape jelly adds sweetness and this nice, grape-y depth to your sauce. so shh. trust me. add that tablespoon. we're friends, right? yep. there you go.

no turning back now.

stir in the grape jelly and turn the stove down to simmer. leave it alone to simmer for as long as you like. i usually give it about twenty minutes to half an hour (and once i got sucked into buzzfeed and left it on the stove for an hour and it was okay, albeit a bit burnt at the bottom), which is just enough time for everything to simmer together and for the flavors to become best friends.

give the sauce a taste and see what it needs. it usually needs something. it's like a baby that way. if it needs more seasoning, add more seasoning. if it needs more sweetness, add more jelly (you're through the looking glass now, alice). i like to add some shredded parmesan at this point because cheese is all that is right and good in this world. get everything melty and bubbling and you're good to go. i make big batches and store it in freezer bags until needed.

yeah.

this sauce is amenable to being tossed with pasta, dolloped over stuffed shells, spread on pizza, or used as a dipping sauce. i would not suggest drinking it straight though. it may be a bit much for that.